Been a while since I began this journey and been a while since I last placed a post. I've been thinking and wishing as of late. Thinking about myself and how selfish I feel when I wish my parents wouldn't need me so much. How can I feel that way about the people who placed me in the graces of this earth, cared for me, raised me, loved me? How can I feel so needed and loved from them and yet still cringe when the phone rings? Why is it that we, as a adults, become something that we fail to recognize in ourselves? How did that happen? I do not consider myself to be selfish, but yet, I find myself wishing for more time for myself, for me, for my family. I don't want to give my time away freely. I hate that aspect of me. But yet, I am realizing that in reality it is not me wishing that the phone wouldn't ring, but rather that it would be ringing with my mom's voice on the other end asking me to go play, go to a movie, for a walk, to come over for dinner. For my Dad to ring me up and say, hey, let's go fishing today. But those days are few and far between now. I am left with the calls that begin with, when are you coming over, I need some help. Help. The one thing they gave freely to me daily throughout my life and without want of anything in return; is now the one thing I am finding difficult to spare. Why? I guess it is the wishing that they were still the parents they once were. But then, aren't they? Are the not still the essence of the parents I have always had? They still love the same, share the same, talk and visit and are the same people they have always been. They just now need me in a different way. People change, life changes, I need to change with it and stop fighting against it. More later...I need to start living.
