Memory Loss

I've been driving around and forgot where I was, how I got there, what turns I took, etc. but when I ask my Dr. what that is or why it happens, the simple answer seems to be stress. Why then does it take someone to be of a certain age before they do tests to see if it really is something larger than just simple forgetfulness. Why not test people earlier? Maybe they do and I am just asking all the wrong questions.

For now - I am upping my B12 intake!

Apparently B12 is connected to sleep issues and sleep issues are connected to memory loss. Makes sense as I am watching my mom's memory fade as her sleep is nearly non existent. She deals with sleep apnea on top of the other million things we are dealing with each day. Not breathing at night 55 or more times per hour, every hour, surprised she is still alive.

I guess I'll just wait for some more tests...next one set for 5+ hrs. and it begins in April, but funny -ironically, I forget the date.

Life is cyclical - Day 2

Taking Mom to the Dr. today, made me think about the many trips that she took me to when I was younger, or at least that is what I tried to focus on. I didn't want to focus on the fact that she is literally loosing her mind. I have often joked that she was, but now that it is fast becoming reality; this sucks.

Through the lack of tolerance I was having while waiting with my brother for our parents to show up for the appointment which was already set to have begun 10 minutes prior; I tried to aim my focus on what was within my control. I could remember how much I loved them, or focus on the time I was quickly losing from my already too hectic day. I could look lovingly at my mom when she showed up happy to see me, or I could scold her for being late...again. I could give her a hug and help her with her coat, ease her gently into the borrowed wheelchair or I could rush her and get her worried that she was wasting my time. I chose all the initial options versus the later and am proud in doing so.

Yet I found myself wondering why these choices are now constantly being placed before me.

Life is a circle.

I'm facing the same choices that my parents made with me when I was younger, they wondered and had two paths to choose from for each appointment that I had. They could choose to hug me close and kiss my face or slap my butt when I spilled something on my clothes as we were heading out the door which put them only further behind in their already too busy day. They could smile at the silliness that is a toddler or get angry for the time it takes to get the little one dressed and out the door in the winter time in MN. They could walk hand in hand with me up and down the steps allowing me to assert my own independence in the Dr's office or they could whisk me up and rush me to the counter to avoid the embarrassment of being late. They could choose to let me struggle with my zipper to "do it my own self" or snarl and quickly unzip it for me.

They chose the first options and I am all the better for their choices; time to repay debts owed.

What’s rattlin’ around in the recesses of my mind *day 1*

A blog, a sense of arrogance, a way to communicate my thoughts and feelings out in to the world in full view for others to comment upon. Interesting concept for someone who has never really enjoyed public ridicule. Hopefully this will be a place for me to freely express what is happening in my world regarding my parents, my thoughts, my life. Hopefully this will grow. Hopefully it will be, exists, expressing my internal thoughts. A diary of sorts, an adult journal in a manner that allows me to express myself freely and willingly to the whims of the pen; or in this case, the typed word. We will see... Day 1 begins with thoughts on my parents. That is where my concentration is, my heart, my head, my everything right now. I am on the front 9 of 40 and moving fast through the fairways as I watch my parents age. Hating this fact that they are aging, growing older; left wondering if this is in a sense what they once felt as I grew. Did they at that time truly not want the time to pass? Did they wake each day with fear of the changes that were occurring on a daily basis that appears some days to be instantaneous. Or were they then embracing those growths of me and my brother and now I should be doing the same? Not fearing the changes, but rather, embracing them and enjoying them for what they are. Today, my Dad is on the VA bus down to the twin cities. An independent adventure of wills. He, as Father to me and my brother once joked about the VA bus; now he is on it proving to himself, or someone, maybe his kids, that the Independence is not yet gone. Funny little life journey, but one well needed and enjoyed, or at least I assume as he failed to tell us of the journey until the day was upon us. Not sure how or what I feel about the process, other than, apprehensive. I would bet, Dad is feeling much the same.